a page from my journal...

Sunday August 15, 2010

Today at church, Pastor Jim had an "alter call." He said he wanted people to come down and share their names and how long they had been walking with God. I wanted so badly to walk up to him. To say my name. My heart was beating so hard I could hardly breathe. I was terrified and knew I would not go. What would people think of me? Surly they could tell, just by looking at me, that I had not been walking with God in my life. I've made some weak attempts, but nothing serious. How could I walk up there and stand next to the man that was first in line, before the Pastor was even done talking. He proudly announced that he had been walking with God for 80 years! I immediately start my internal dialogue...'I'll just send an email when I get home. I'll join some groups at church and then I'll do it...'

As I stood there telling myself why I can't go up there, why I'm not worthy to go up there, for what seemed like hours a woman walked up and shook his hand. Then two more young girls. I began to wonder why more people weren't walking up there. We were all there to worship God right? There must be more than these handful of people willing to walk up and announce how long they had been walking with God....Pastor Jim said to us, "If you can't do it here with all of these people supporting you, how will you do it outside of church?"

So, I started walking....

What on earth was I going to say???Another young girl walked up right before me. I thought I had gotten lucky and could just sneak off to the side. Then Pastor Jim reached out his hand to me....."What's your name?"....I had to say it twice because I could hardly breathe...."How long have you been walking with God?" There it was...I suddenly realized I had been avoiding that question for most of my life. I didn't know what to say.

The tears came immediately, just as they are now as I write this. The tears were streaming down my face....I simply said "I'm still trying"

It was then at that moment that I realized I've been on this "emotional cliff" for so long, that I don't want to try to hide it anymore. It was then that I realized that I need to give my life to Jesus. To let Jesus organize the inner chaos that I have been living in for so many years.

Pastor Jim sat me down in the front pew and asked my why was I feeling like this right now. I told him that I feel like there are so many "bad seeds" that have been planted in my heart and I just can't fight it anymore. I need to give control to God. I am tired and weak.

Pastor Jim held one of my hands in his and placed another hand on my back and prayed over me. I don't honestly remember the words that he said, but I remember the calm washing over me. My breathing slowed, my heart stopped pounding so loud, and I felt peaceful. I felt just a little bit stronger.

After we prayed we walked up the isle to introduce Pastor Jim to my husband. I have no idea what Pastor Jim said because it was in spanish. But I got the general idea. And as they were speaking another man came to me with tears in his eyes and said, "I'm still trying too", he prayed over me. Again, I felt just a little bit stronger. We hugged and said good bye. We then went to pick up the kids and as we were loading the kids in the car a young couple came to me and introduced themselves. They invited us to AWANA's and welcomed us to the church. They too have 4 kiddos! They were kind to me and my family. I felt a little bit stronger.

On the way home, I told my husband "I want to be a better wife and Mother. I'm going to call and ask for a mentor to help me through these first steps in my new life." He simple said, "Ok, whatever you need to do. I'm here"

This was my prayer.

Thank you God for giving me the strength and courage I so desperately needed today. For filling me with desire to love you and know you. Thank you god for giving me a path to walk on and the knowledge that I will not walk alone but beside you every step of the way. That although this will be a difficult journey, I know you are there with me. Thank you God for loving me.

Thank you to everyone for reading this. For letting me share this very personal experience with you. Thank you for your love and support. I love you all...